Some Ideas for Your Gender Reveal Party
(Because that’s a thing now, I guess)
Hey, friend on my completely bullshit non-chronological Instagram feed, I see you’re currently gestating a tiny human- or as I call them, “Sex Trophies”. Congrats!
Making a tiny version of yourself and raising it to not be an asshole is a lot of work but I hear it’s super rewarding. I’m still a few years out from having kids but when I’m on my period I like to look at pictures of my tiny dog and cry, so I guess you could say I have maternal instincts. I want to name my first child “Julia Tyrannosaur”.
So anyway, when Gender Reveal Parties became a thing I thought to myself, “Hmm, seems kinda niche, like something people who take wedding hashtags super seriously would do” but I guess I was wrong.
Now people are doing crazy things like putting colored powder in their car tail pipes and balloons and shooting things and also that one with the watermelon and the alligator? There are so many ways to tell the world about which blurry set of genitals you saw on an ultrasound! I had no idea!
I get that there’s a lot of pressure on you. Between getting a nursery ready, planning a baby shower (why no one thinks to combine a gender reveal and a baby shower is beyond me tbh) and growing and pushing out a whole-ass human, you’ve already got a lot on your plate. Allow me to relieve you of at least one burden by helping you come up with some fun, original Gender Reveal Party ideas.
Idea №1: Awkward Extended Family Gathering
You gather your family and loved ones into your grandmother’s living room. Before the party begins, you whisper the baby’s gender to your one aunt that can’t keep a secret. Then wait about 1–2 hours before she gets too shitty on wine spritzers and blurts out the baby’s gender to everyone over dinner.
Idea №2: Old-Fashioned Western-European-Immigrant Gender Reveal
Go ahead and have the baby, then 6–8 weeks later pierce the baby’s ears if it’s a girl or don’t if it’s a boy OR if you’re the progressive black sheep of the family. You may name your child after a saint.
Idea №3: The Scam
You invite all your friends over. They bring gifts. They think there’s going to be cake and colored powder. When they arrive it’s just you on a fainting couch in your finest maternity pj’s reclining under a banner that says “The Gender Binary is a Scam and So is This Party (And You Fell for Both!)”. Tell everyone that they could at least do some chores for you while they’re there.
Idea №4: Spiders
You cut open a cake that everyone expects will have the baby’s gender inside. Instead it’s just spiders. You bought special balloons to pop. Inside? Spiders. You rev your engine and what comes out of the tailpipe? You guessed it, buckaroo: Spiders.
Idea №5: Jurassic Park
Your friends and family arrive at your house, you direct them to the backyard. It’s been decorated to look like the lab in Jurassic Park. In the center, you and your partner stand with a single egg. “Oh,” your friends say, “Is the baby’s gender inside the egg?” You and your partner shake your heads, “No.” “I get it!” Your friends say, “The whole party is the reveal. It’s a girl, right? Because all of the dinosaurs in the park are female?” Again you shake your heads. Your friends look confused, “Then are you saying it’s a boy because dinosaur toys and clothes are traditionally marketed to boys despite the fact that giant extinct murder chickens are pretty fucking cool no matter what your gender is?” You shake your heads a third time. The egg begins to hatch. Inside is a real baby raptor. “You did it,” your friends say, “You crazy son of a bitch, you did it.”
See? Easy-peasy, gender-please-y.
Anyway, I hope I helped! Let’s stay in touch, I’ll send you an invite to my future baby shower. The theme is “Everyone place bets on whether or not I’ll poop in the delivery room”. We won’t play any dumb baby shower games, there will be a taco truck and it’s a $50 bet minimum.
