Some Headline Ideas for LA Weekly’s New Narc Overlords
By now, if you have been on the internet or live anywhere near SoCal, you’ve heard about the slipshod sale of LA Weekly. Some OC Money Bros- probably from the same neighborhood your shitty cousins you never invite to Thanksgiving are from- bought the beloved LA publication, gutted it, fired longtime staff and opened up for submissions from contributors so that Jimothy Moneybags doesn’t have to pay his writers a living wage. There’s more to it but I’m getting the rage sweats and tunnel vision so you’ll have to just google that for yourself.
Did I also mention that they’re backed by a conservative special-interest group and don’t know how to spell “Angeleno”?
Seriously, these stupid polo-poppers bought an entire publication dedicated to life in Los Angeles and didn’t even bother to spellcheck:
Google is $Free.99, Metholomew, but thanks for letting us all know you’re probably one of those dudes in the American flag speedo drawing dicks and writing slurs on your day-drunk bros in sunscreen at that stupid Hermosa Beach volleyball party.
In short: You’ve just outed yourself as a huge poser and a massive narc.
But I’m sure your white Dodge Ram with unnecessarily large rims is super clutch.
Having said all that, LA Weekly holds a special place in my heart. It’s what taught me, a weird private school kid, how to be cool in early-proto-hipster 2008. I used to covertly take free copies from the Baja Buds on National because I wasn’t technically allowed to read it because of the massage ads in the back.
So, in that spirit, Branthony, I’d like to pitch some headlines to you that will blend true “Angelino” slang and culture with the new direction you hope to steer the magazine towards:
8 Supes Chill Sex Offenders You Should Totally Elect to Public Office Now
Seh-pull-VEE-DAH: A Transplant’s Guide to Somehow Being Racist About Street Names
Gnarly: These Two White Guys From Colorado Sell $15 Tacos in Santa Monica
Making it in LA: A Guide for Aspiring Influencers
I’m, Like, A Woman But I’m Not A Feminist Because Labels Are Pasé
Butthurt: Why The Mueller Probe is Way Harsh
An Argument for Calling it Cali
It’s Lit: Overturning Roe V. Wade
Easing the Transition from Lake Havasu to Silverlake
…I just, ugh, I can’t even joke about this anymore.
Fuck you, Jerrick.
