I Regret to Inform You That I Will Have to Cancel All the Plans I Made Last Week While I Was Feeling Manic
To Whom It May Concern:
Hey, friend! I know we were supposed to make dinner/start a podcast/have brunch this week, but I woke up today and realized that I would honestly rather cut my own hair in an Inland Empire AM/PM bathroom than have to go anywhere or talk to anyone so we’ll just have to put a pin in that and the nine other plans I thought I would be able to squeeze into this week. Is that cool?
And it’s nothing personal, but I was, and I cannot stress this enough, extremely manic when I made those plans and now I’m not and would love nothing more than to buy a bag of brussels sprouts from the 99 Cent Store and speak to no one.
How, you might ask, do I know I was manic when I made plans?
Simple! While you were texting me about going shopping for crystals, assuming you were speaking to a neurotypical person who does things one at a time and not the human mood equivalent of a Legoland rollercoaster that’s fallen into disrepair, here’s what else I was doing:
- Considered dyeing my hair. Maybe blonde? Or perhaps my tried-and-true “Cry for Help Medium Auburn”?
- Started work on a “genius” novella exploring inherited family trauma through the framework of classical mythology but actually I wrote one paragraph, wrote another paragraph of something else, and watched ASMR for two hours.
- I have $12 to my name. Did I end up making up a reason to go to CVS and blow it on Diet Coke and ANOTHER dusty rose lipstick? Probably! Ask BofA!
- Spent an hour getting really hyped about rain. Like, way, way more than a normal person should.
- Googled real estate in Salem.
- Googled real estate in Joshua Tree.
“Woah there partner,” you might say, “All of those thing do sound absolutely like the kind of thing someone who used to spend hours making art collage journals in high school out of paralyzing anxiety might do, but I don’t see why you still can’t hang out.”
Well, there, Buckaroo, that’s because I’m now full-tilt in my depression downswing and would rather get a pap from an old male doctor at Cedars-Sinai at 4PM on a Tuesday than have to go out and resemble anything close to a human. There is literally nothing I would rather do in this moment than stay at home for 12 hours with dirty hair then go to Target in my pajamas right before they close so I don’t feel like I wasted an entire day of my life rewatching the episode of 30 Rock where Kenneth becomes president of NBC and then sobbing.
Since I know you’re dying to know and not wishing you hadn’t texted me to confirm our plans, here’s how I know I am no longer manic and am now having a depressive episode:
(P.s. Isn’t that word fun? “Episode”! It’s like it’s a fun TV show and not a mood disorder that comes with a built-in societal stigma and excuse for shitty celebrities who want to pop off on Twitter. Fun! Love it!)
Wait, where was I? Oh, right:
- I read an article about a 24-year-old Midwestern online adult store owner who has her own internet video series and a condo and, like, could you imagine the security? Anyway, I felt so bad about not owning a condo I took a 4 hour sad-nap.
- I briefly considered dyeing my hair, but this time I went straight for “Cry For Help Medium Auburn”.
- Found out this terrible slam poet I saw in 2014 has a book coming out next year and I thought I sat in silence for like 15 minutes digesting that but actually it was an hour and a half.
- I cried about my dog that died in July.
- I cried about the back garden gate in the house I grew up in.
- I also cried about the molding in the house I grew up in.
- Washing my hair just feels like so much work right now.
I mean, really, it’s nothing personal and I love you. And, obviously, I’d love to go see that new exhibit at that weird pop-up museum/get tacos/track down still-functional film photobooths but I honestly just feel like it would serve me better to make yet another side instagram so I can avoid everyone’s end-of-year achievement posts and just enter makeup giveaways.
You know, self-care.
That being said, if you want to come over and send memes back and forth to each other in a silent room, I think I could maybe do that. But don’t get in the car yet.
Thanks for understanding! You’re a real one! XOXO