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I Regret to Inform You That I Will Have to Cancel All the Plans I Made Last Week While I Was Feeling Manic

To Whom It May Concern:

Hey, friend! I know we were supposed to make dinner/start a podcast/have brunch this week, but I woke up today and realized that I would honestly rather cut my own hair in an Inland Empire AM/PM bathroom than have to go anywhere or talk to anyone…