Here’s How I Made $69,420 on Medium Last Month
Hey there, readers! It’s me, that person who’s always on the front page of Medium despite churning out the literary equivalent of the ingredients list on the back of a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch. You know, the person where when you get the Medium Member Digest in your inbox and you read that part about the most amount of money made by a single writer that month and you’re like “Wow I hope it’s not that jabroni that writes listicles about how early entrepreneurs get up in the morning,” but it is! It’s me, the jabroni!
But don’t worry, I won’t be stingy with my good fortune- keep reading for my tips on how to become a constant content machine.
Tip #1: Everyone Loves Messy Relationship Stuff
This was actually the first thing that I noticed while perusing the Medium front page. There was a dearth of inspiration with essays like “I Cheated on My Husband and Actually it was a Good Thing Hear Me Out” and “I was the Other Woman and I Kicked My Lover’s Wife’s Dog and I’m Not Sorry Because I Learned A Lot About Myself and Anyway I Forgave Myself and So Should You”. So I did what any reasonable writer would do: I got married and then proceeded to ruin my spouse’s life. And then I found an equally awful married person and proceeded to be complicit in ruining their spouse’s life. Two birds, one stone baybee.
Oh don’t look at me like that, it’s for the highest art of all: A 1200 word essay for a publication named something like “She’s Bravely Talkin’ Hearts” or “Please Note, I’m Awful”.
Tip #2: You Can’t Go Wrong with True Crime
Ah, true crime, the genre we just can’t get enough of that also suggests the existence of “Fake Crime”- which I imagine is stuff like filling up a water cup with soda, jaywalking and cyberbullying Eric Garcetti.
But I digress.
I will say, this was one of the harder points on this list. I started with the regular route of rehashing some grisly crime that happened in the 70s and that worked for a while- there were a shocking number of serial killers back then! You couldn’t throw a rock without hitting someone named like The Cathedral City Slasher or The West Covina Prowler. Even so, I eventually ran out of material and figured: Why not do some crime and write about it?
And I would have, for you dear reader, but I ran into a couple unforeseen problems. To begin with I’m pretty squeamish, which rules out a fair majority of crimes. White collar crime was the next logical step- I mean people love scammers, right? Except you only get away with that when you’re already rich and my $69,420 Stripe deposit hadn’t hit my account yet.
Tip #3: Catastrophize, Catastrophize, Catastrophize
Are things bad right now? Yes. Could they be worse? Yes. Can we use that fear to harvest clicks from scared readers trying to make sense of the state of the world? Abso-fucking-lutely! And you know what my favorite part of this one particular genre is? It’s so… egalitarian. You literally don’t need any kind of credentials or experience or knowledge of world events. You can just get on Al Gore’s Free Internet, choose a header photo of a California wildfire and say basically whatever you want.
So I took some notes from the best and brightest of the current events tag and churned out such hits as “How We Royally Shit the Bed with Covid-19 and will Never Recover and Also Your Dad Will Never Tell You He’s Proud of You” and “America is a Massive Dumpster Fire and There’s Nothing You Can Do About It Except Clap for this Article”. My personal favorite, if I may toot my own horn, was “This is What the World Ending Feels Like Plus You Just Peed Your Pants and Everyone Saw”.
Fear-mongering? More like fear-moneying! Amirite?
Tip #4: Don’t Stop Writing
I write every day, from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed and even then I keep a notepad on my nightstand in case any gems come to me in my sleep. I write everything. I write out grocery lists even when I’m not going anywhere. I scrawl incoherent thoughts on the back of my McDonald’s receipts like a detective trying to catch The West Covina Prowler.
And damn it, sometimes committing to your art means taking some risks! Like how about two weeks into my month of writing, I was pulled into my boss’ office and chastised for writing on the clock and not focusing on my ongoing projects. But you know what I did? I looked my boss straight in the eye and I said, “This is my passion, dad, and if you don’t want to support me then I’ll just have to go tell grandmère that you are penalizing her favorite grandbebe for following their bliss!” And you know what? He respected my wishes and the fact that I stood up for myself and gave me the keys for our modest A-frame vacation home in Idyllwild to use as a writer’s retreat. If you tell the Universe what you want, doors will simply open for you.
Hope this helped! And don’t forget to check back for the next installment of my Success Coaching series: “Have you heard about dropshipping? Let me explain it to you like you’re five.”