Hi Google, it’s me, Devon. You might know me from such searches as “24hr Target?”, “bulgogi inside pupusa recipe” and “caffeine boob pain”. How are you?

I’m doing okay, but there was something I wanted to talk to you about.

I know that you’re the biggest database of pictures, music, articles and other general information- including pictures of spiders. Sometimes you even have them on pages where you wouldn’t expect to see a hairy hellbeast, but there they are! Like a pinata you bash open hoping to find tootsie rolls but instead there’s just nightmares. Or that story my old coworker, Matt, told me about how he was camping with his friend and they saw a taratula and then his friend’s mom hit it with a shovel and a bunch of spiders came out of it because this is a fucking nightmare world.

And you know what, Google? I get a little upset when I see them. And if I see it while I’m eating, for a split second I feel like I’m eating one, which is a horrifying thought. I know it’s not your fault, Google. You’re just doing your job- but this really can’t happen again.

I get that I’m asking a lot of you. I’m sure all those pictures of backyard nightmare stallions serves some sort of purpose- like for science or Satan’s aesthetic tumblr, but they have to go. I would honestly rather you hire someone to come over to my house and punch me in the throat instead.

I mean, take safesearch, for example. I like what you’ve done with it- keeping young people from seeing boobs or whatever it is safesearch does. You’re doing God’s work. That being said, I have some suggestions.

So, here’s an idea, what if you had a spider safesearch? Because, honestly, I’d rather come across the odd nipple than a tarantula. I never tapped my shoes out in the desert out of fear that a stray titty decided to make a home inside my left sneaker in the middle of the night.

Boobs don’t hurt anyone, they just feed babies. Do you know what spiders feed? My anxiety nightmare where I’m at my wedding and I turn around to kiss my forever-person and they’ve turned into a giant spider. And then, I turn around to tell everyone assembled but they’ve all turned into spiders too!

Plus, I could also talk at length about how dumb it is that you’ve implemented a search tool to weed out a body part that’s been so sexualized that it can’t even be shown doing what it is it’s supposed to do, which isn’t even sexual at all. Like, what if people started getting really horny over ears? Would you implement a search filter where you can’t see ears anymore and everyone has to tag their ears “NSFW”? You should use that technology for something more useful, like keeping me from ever having to look at another spider for as long as I live.

Point is, I’m pretty sure I have a spider bite and I can’t look up what to do about it because everyone thinks you need to see a spider when trying to read about your dumb itchy leg and I can’t afford a trip to the urgent care so you need to sort your shit out.

Also, I would like an option where I can reverse-image-search but for clothes I see on TV. But that can wait until you’ve finished the spider safesearch.



the second mrs. de winter wattpad.com/califiapress

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