A Movie Idea I Had While Broke and Eating Cauliflower Pizza with My Roommate

Guys, okay, I had this idea. And I know it sounds crazy but, like, just hear me out. Nostalgia is totally a Thing right now. Do you know how many instagrams are now run by actual infants romanticizing the velour-tracksuit-and-newsboy-cap trainwreck that was the early 2000s?

Let’s bring back the celeb-trades-with-normie trope heyday.

“But Devon,” you ask me, “Who would we even use now?”

What if, and bear with me, we did Katy Perry…

And I’m sure you’re, like, laughing and thinking I’m full of shit right now, but…

For the record, a 7-year-old youtuber did see his photo of me and commented that I was “Pretty like Katy,” which is a pretty glowing recommendation from someone who doesn’t remember life before the internet. So, I have RECEIPTS.

So here’s the premise: Katy is ending her latest tour, exhausted and burnt out on superstardom. All she wants to do is to retire from music and open one of America’s first cat cafes, an adaptation of the popular Japanese business model.

It’s her one true dream in life. She wants to call it’s Katy’s Kats&Klaw-fee. But her label shuts her down. In her disappointment she wanders into the nearest coffee shop to drown her sorrows in an Almond-Coconut Milk Hot Chocolate where she meets her doppelganger, a surly barista who is nearly the spitting image of her.

I have many acid-wash mom jeans that I would be happy to lend to the production, for the record. That is only one pair of, like, six.

And my character, who just had a man tell her he broke the cafe toilet with a colossal shit… again, is like “K.”

This is where you would have a fun montage of my character trying to be Katy Perry, maybe to “This Is How We Do”. And at the end of the montage they go to a hip bar/artisanal hot dog joint to celebrate and some guy is like “Hey, has anyone ever told you that you two look like…” And they’re like Oh no our cover is blown! But he says, “Zooey Deschanel.” And they laugh and eat their $12 hotdogs because some d-bag gentrifier decided that was an appropriate pricepoint for pig anus/face.

CUT TO ONE MONTH LATER

You can email me with any further questions- but I think we can all agree that this is pretty solid work here. I eagerly await your response.

…Please don’t make me go back to answering passive aggressive emails. An email literally just arrived in my inbox from a gentleman who has met me on several separate occasions addressed to “Debbie”.

the second mrs. de winter wattpad.com/califiapress

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