A Movie Idea I Had While Broke and Eating Cauliflower Pizza with My Roommate

Guys, okay, I had this idea. And I know it sounds crazy but, like, just hear me out. Nostalgia is totally a Thing right now. Do you know how many instagrams are now run by actual infants romanticizing the velour-tracksuit-and-newsboy-cap trainwreck that was the early 2000s?

Let’s bring back the celeb-trades-with-normie trope heyday.

“Model Behavior” was- no, IS a classic with its crazy plot and ramen-haired dreamboat JT. And The Lizzie McGuire Movie was 500% what dreams were made of- I’m sorry, you set me up for that and I had to. I have no regrets.

“But Devon,” you ask me, “Who would we even use now?”

What if, and bear with me, we did Katy Perry…

And me.

I know what you’re thinking but tbh I’m pretty sure she’d be down. Her last two movies were about tours so I feel like she’d welcome the change. And my job is mostly fielding passive aggressive follow-up emails to follow-up emails.

And I’m sure you’re, like, laughing and thinking I’m full of shit right now, but…

Could it be Katy? Could it be a selfie I took in 2015 and then sent to my then-boyfriend saying “Happy Wednesday Babe” in the hopes that he would get the hint that I wanted him to participate in #wcw more? We can’t say for sure. We may never know now that he pivoted to a “branded” instagram.

I mean, yeah, the idea is kinda crass but I’m just trying to get by on my face for a few more years before it dries up and I’m left with “sarcasm” and “coming up with Onion-article headlines about people I don’t like”- two of the most unmarketable skills in the world.

But, luckily, I am also an excellent writer. I know this because I have pulled many essays out of my ass six hours before their due date. I’ve got you on this. You barely have to pay me for writing the script. I basically live like a mean city raccoon in that I live in a very small space and mostly eat garbage. My cost of living is quite low and I assume all industry movers-and-shakers go to the same spa for Scrooge McDuck-style money baths.

So here’s the premise: Katy is ending her latest tour, exhausted and burnt out on superstardom. All she wants to do is to retire from music and open one of America’s first cat cafes, an adaptation of the popular Japanese business model.

It’s her one true dream in life. She wants to call it’s Katy’s Kats&Klaw-fee. But her label shuts her down. In her disappointment she wanders into the nearest coffee shop to drown her sorrows in an Almond-Coconut Milk Hot Chocolate where she meets her doppelganger, a surly barista who is nearly the spitting image of her.

The barista, who is me, is a struggling comedian and writer who doesn’t believe in herself and gets stage fright. But Katy sees potential in her and an answer to both of their problems. Also my best friend is either a sassy-cool girl with weird colored hair or a sadboy with a camera who is secretly in love with me.

So she drags her to the nearest Target where she dyes her hair in the bathroom and it’s like that scene in She’s All That when they take her glasses off and everyone’s like- “Whaaaaa?? It’s incredible!”

I have many acid-wash mom jeans that I would be happy to lend to the production, for the record. That is only one pair of, like, six.

So Katy’s like, “If you pretend to be me in public appearances for the next few months while I secretly gather cats and get my cafe built I’ll help you get your comedy career started. But you have to flawlessly carry out being me for three months. Can you do that?”

And my character, who just had a man tell her he broke the cafe toilet with a colossal shit… again, is like “K.”

This is where you would have a fun montage of my character trying to be Katy Perry, maybe to “This Is How We Do”. And at the end of the montage they go to a hip bar/artisanal hot dog joint to celebrate and some guy is like “Hey, has anyone ever told you that you two look like…” And they’re like Oh no our cover is blown! But he says, “Zooey Deschanel.” And they laugh and eat their $12 hotdogs because some d-bag gentrifier decided that was an appropriate pricepoint for pig anus/face.

BUT what Katy doesn’t know is that her label is planning a giant world tour and that’s why they wouldn’t let her open her cat cafe. And she can’t stop them because my character has already been impersonating her for weeks and stopping the tour would mean blowing their cover and jeopardizing her cat cafe.

It’s not the best plot but, like, neither is an American 8th grader traveling to Rome and falling into a conspiracy to humiliate an Italian popstar so you can suspend your disbelief.

So anyway, my character is like, “Honestly Katy, literally anything is better than listening to people ask for a ‘vanilla latte but no vanilla.’ It’s just a latte and people are as stupid as poptarts that aren’t strawberry-flavored.” I have a lot of good one-liners like this because I was a real barista to whom people really said dumb things. Like, the dumbest things you could think of. One time a girl told me whole milk was just 2% and Half-n-Half mixed together.

But Katy knows that a tour of that size would be emotionally draining AND that my character’s stage fright, though improving, would make the entire experience incredibly traumatic. So on the first night of the tour she comes flying in on a giant poop-emoji balloon and yells “STOP!” before the performance can begin. She explains her story to everyone in the Staples Center- did I mention it was at the Staples Center? It is, just so you know.

And her fans are so moved by Katy’s pleas that they start a huge social media campaign and refuse to buy any more songs or merch or Covergirl lipsticks with cats on them until Katy is free to pursue her espresso dreams.

CUT TO ONE MONTH LATER

Katy is free and living her dream- it’s the grand opening of her cat cafe. And my character is there- she’s been working on a book about her terrible customers thanks to all the book deals she was offered after the Staples Center shenanigans. Oh, also she’s tackling her social anxiety by doing ladies’ Roller Derby under the name “Katy Scary”.

So anyway the movie ends with them singing an updated cover of “What Dreams are Made Of” in the cafe with like trained cats and child dancers and balloons and confetti and everything is pastel and they have macarons shaped like cats. Also, it’s a musical now.

You can email me with any further questions- but I think we can all agree that this is pretty solid work here. I eagerly await your response.

…Please don’t make me go back to answering passive aggressive emails. An email literally just arrived in my inbox from a gentleman who has met me on several separate occasions addressed to “Debbie”.

the second mrs. de winter wattpad.com/califiapress

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